


The Four Horsemen and Their Seven Little Shits

by CallMeBunny



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Seven Deadly Sins, Drunken Shenanigans, F/F, F/M, FORGET ENDGAME, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Frigga (Marvel) Lives, How Do I Tag, Human Jarvis (Iron Man movies), I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) is a Good Bro, Jarvis is a wonderful nanny, Kinda, Light Angst, Loki is Loki, M/M, Minor Frigga/Odin (Marvel), Multi, Nick Fury is Not Amused, Nick Fury is basically Satan, Not Canon Compliant, Not in the worst way tho, OT4, Polyamory, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Protective Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Rating May Change, Seven Deadly Sins, Some Plot, Tags May Change, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric?, Underage Drinking, all the kids are little shits, along with his husband sam, based off a prompt, just something to lift my spirits tbh, kinda ooc i guess, loki can change sexes, loki changes sexes pretty often, loki uses any pronouns, mainly slice of life, never happened, not canon friendly, stephen strange is a softy for the kids, steve rogers takes care of the heavenly virtues, tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-05-13 10:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19248919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallMeBunny/pseuds/CallMeBunny
Summary: Tony and his lovers Bucky, Loki, and Natasha are the four horsemen of the apocalypse, struggling to raise their seven children. The seven deadly sins.Lets see how long it takes for things to fall apart ((spoiler: not very long))Based off a writing prompt given to me!





	1. Home is Where the Chaos Thrives

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, before we get to the nitty gritty of things, I wanted to show you guys everyone's title. For the sake of making this easier to understand, all characters will be addressed by their names. 
> 
> Horsemen  
> Tony- Pestilence  
> Bucky- War  
> Loki- Death  
> Natasha- Famine 
> 
> Seven Deadly Sins  
> Peter- Envy  
> Wade- Pride  
> Thor- Gluttony  
> Bruce- Wrath  
> Hela- Lust  
> Shuri- Greed  
> Clint- Sloth

It was still early morning when Tony opened his eyes slowly and let out a tiny groan. He moved to stretch before attempting to untangle himself from the mess of limbs on the bed. Being in a polyamorous relationship had its benefits. Lots of cuddles, tons of kisses, massive amounts of sex etc. But waking up the morning after wasn't always pleasant, especially when two of the three people you share a bed with cling to anything tight enough to bruise sometimes.  
  
After trying for a solid ten minutes to get up without waking anyone else he huffed and simply shoved his way through the limbs and bodies of his lovers, scurrying to the bathroom as soon as he was free. Loki, being the light sleeper he is, woke up instantly and let out a loud sound of annoyance. He was never a morning person and he most certainly hated being woken up any time before 10am.  
Tony shuffled back into the room and was instantly greeted by a pillow hitting him in the face, courtesy of Loki.  
“Sorry for waking you sweet cheeks, but if I waited any longer I think I would have burst.” Loki just huffed in annoyance and laid back down, snuggling closer to Natasha who was still dead asleep. “Since you’re up already, you take care of the breakfast.” Tony whined and folded his arms “It’s Bucky Bear’s turn, I made breakfast yesterday” “Good luck trying to get him to make anything remotely edible.  
He didn’t come to bed until 4 this morning.”  
Tony sighed and ran a hand through his hair, glancing over at Bucky who had his face hidden under a couple pillows; but you could still hear his snoring clear as day. “Will you at least help me?” “I _could_ but that would mean I'd have to leave the comfort of this bed, and I wasn’t planning on doing that anytime soon.”  
  
Tony rolled his eyes in response and shuffled his way quietly out of the room. He yawned and dragged himself down the halls, which were dimly lit by a few rays of sun that started to peek through the curtains. He took note of his second youngest, Clint, who was on the couch fast asleep, with his head faced down in the cushions. Worrying that he might not be able to breathe, Tony went to roll him over but stopped at the sound of rustling and soft footsteps coming from the kitchen. He narrowed his eyes and went to investigate, making sure his footsteps remained silent. He peeked slowly into the kitchen and let out a huge sigh at the sight of his second oldest, Thor who was in the middle of making an unnecessarily large bowl of cereal along with a sandwich, two pop tarts, and a couple fruits.  
Thor froze at the sound of his father and quickly turned to face him, with a sheepish smile on his face and a light pink tint on his cheeks. “Morning dad” “Why am I not surprised? How long have you been up?” Thor took a generous bite of the peach he was holding in his hand and shrugged “About half an hour?” Tony folded his arms and kept an unimpressed look on his face “We’ve talked about this.” “I know! But- you guys take ages to wake up and by that time I'm starving!”  
“I know for a fact that you sneak into the kitchen after midnight just to eat Nutella by the spoonful, among other things. That should at least be able to tide you over until one of us gets up to make breakfast.” Tony knew his son did this because he was tired of getting up in the morning and seeing that all the damn Nutella was gone. The younger boy took another bite while mumbling “I sleep better with a full stomach.” “Loki’s gonna have to go to the store again at this rate.” The sound of eggos popping up out of the toaster could be heard and Tony couldn’t help but sigh again.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Breakfast was almost ready by the time everyone else started shuffling into the kitchen. Clint came in first with his eyes still closed, followed by Shuri and Hela. “Morning” Tony greeted. Both girls grumbled in response and took their seats at the dinner table. After that came Natasha, who was carrying their youngest child, Bruce in her arms. He was only half awake, but Tony could see that he was anything but happy to be.  
Peter came next, sporting some pretty wild looking bedhead and remnants of drool on his chin. By this time, breakfast was ready and Wade, Loki and Bucky still hadn’t woken up yet. Tony preferred to eat meals as a family so he went to wake everybody else up, entrusting Shuri, Peter and Natasha to make sure that Thor didn’t try to start eating before everyone was at the table. Tony decided to wake Wade first. He walked into the room that he shared with Peter and Thor and smiled softly at the sight of his oldest, still fast asleep.  
  
His smile only widened when he picked up a pillow and smacked him on the head with it. “Rise and Shine my boy, breakfast is ready” Wade groaned and sunk deeper into his covers. “Piss off, I ain’t hungry yet old man” Tony chose to ignore his statement and continued pelting the poor boy with his pillows mercilessly. It wasn’t long before Wade pitched up and swung one of his pillows back, smiling triumphantly when it caused his father to stumble backwards.  
Tony chuckled and tossed his pillows back on the bed “Get up, or I'll feed your breakfast to Thor” “He’s probably eaten it already” Wade stretched and stood up, with his blanket wrapped around his body, making him look like a nun. “We’d hear Shuri, Tasha and Peter grilling him about it if he did.” He patted his son on the back and pushed him gently toward the dining table before turning to head toward his bedroom.  
  
He opened the door and was greeted to the sight of Loki on top of Bucky, giving him soft lazy kisses.  
  
Tony took note of Loki’s more feminine features as he walked over to the two. “I get up at the asscrack of dawn, cook breakfast for everybody and here you two are shacking it up without me?” Loki rolled his eyes “You woke up at 8am. Don’t be so dramatic” Bucky chuckled softly while looking at him “I’ll make it up to you by destroying you tonight. Would you like that doll?” Tony opened his mouth to respond but was cut off by Natasha who came in after him, with a frown on her face. “Fury wants to see us tomorrow morning and Tony can’t afford to be out of commission” Tony and Loki scoffed in unison “The fuck does he want now?”  
  
“He didn’t tell me. He just called, told me we had a meeting tomorrow and then hung up before I could even say ‘good morning’.” Natasha huffed. Bucky groaned loudly and Loki sighed while sliding off his lap “It’s probably about the humans, I've noticed that tensions have been rising again and they might be on the verge of another war.” Loki sighed once more and Bucky lit up at the thought of orchestrating another world war.  
“If that was the case then he’d only ask to see you two, there’d be no reason for Tony and I to come.” Natasha stated while flopping down onto the bed. “What else could it be then?” Loki questioned and she just shrugged in response “Fuck if I know” Bucky mumbled. “We’ll need to see if Jarvis will be able to watch the kids.” Tony stated. “I already called. He can’t. But he said that there was someone else he knew that could. His name is Scott” Natasha sighed ''The kids don’t like new faces, hell, they barely like each other.” “What other options do we have Bucky Bear?”  
  
Everyone’s head snapped up at the sound of Bruce screaming,muffled yelling and a loud crash. Loki was the first one out of the room, with Tony following close behind. As they got closer to the kitchen, more yelling could be heard.  
  
“Can’t you manage not to stuff your face for a few minutes Thor!? The rest of those eggs were MINE” Shuri screeched  
  
“Actually Shuri, those were **MY** eggs” Wade stated  
  
“You already have some!! Why do you need more?!” Peter whined  
  
“Because **I’M** the oldest, so I automatically get more. I’m a growing boy.”  
  
“That’s a load of shit and you know it!!!” Shuri cried  
  
“And? Even if it is, I’m the oldest so what I say goes”  
  
  
Thor continued eating the pile of eggs on his plate, not giving a single shit about anyone.  
  
Hela was sleepily leaning on Clint, who was faced down on the table snoring softly, despite all the screaming around him. Bruce was instantly set off with all the yelling and pushed his plate onto the ground, joining the cup that had been pushed already. He then began to throw a tantrum, thrashing around in his chair. The rest of his siblings ignored him and continued screaming at each other.  
  
Before any of the adults could step in to stop the yelling, Shuri reached over the table and shoved Thor’s plate onto the ground, resulting in bits of eggs, bacon, and broken glass being spread all over the floor.  
  
The room fell silent, but that only lasted for about three seconds.  
  
Thor snarled loudly at her and got up, murder clearly in his eyes. Shuri folded her arms, smug expression on her face; Wade was laughing hysterically while Peter was just looking at the wasted food on the floor in dismay. Thor moved lightning fast over to her side of the table with his fists balled up but before he could pounce on her Bucky caught him and held the boy back. “That’s enough guys.” Natasha picked Bruce up, trying to console him but he just continued thrashing violently in her arms; she eventually took him to his room to calm him down.  
  
Wade’s laughing died down to snickering while Loki was making Shuri clean up the mess she made. “Honestly, we leave you all alone for a but a few minutes and you almost kill each other. Why is getting along always such a challenge?” “Everything would have been fine if Thor wasn’t such a greedy oaf” Shuri mumbled while glaring over at him. Loki sighed and turned to Wade. “Clean up the mess Bruce made please.” Wade’s snickering instantly stopped and he groaned loudly at his mother. “Whyyy? I wasn’t even the one that made the mess!!” “You’re the oldest aren’t you?” Peter snickered this time and Wade grumbled loudly while getting up.  
  
Tony sighed running a hand through his hair while looking around. Bruce could still be heard screaming and crying all the way from his room, there was broken glass _everywhere_ and to top it all off, there weren’t even anymore eggs. It was waaay too early for all this. It wasn’t even 11 yet and two of his children were already on the verge of killing each other.  
  
God help this Scott guy tomorrow when he comes to babysit.  
  
Hopefully he survives.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing any kind of Marvel story. Let me know if I should make this a one off or if you'd be interested in a full story. Comments fuel my motivation! :)


	2. Babysitter Bloodbath 1/2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott comes over to babysit while the Horsemen go down to Hell to see Fury. Hela takes an interest in the new sitter while Peter, Shuri, and Wade try to come up with a way to make sure he can never come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anybody forgot:
> 
> Horsemen  
> Tony- Pestilence  
> Bucky- War  
> Loki- Death  
> Natasha- Famine
> 
> Seven Deadly Sins  
> Peter- Envy  
> Wade- Pride  
> Thor- Gluttony  
> Bruce- Wrath  
> Hela- Lust  
> Shuri- Greed  
> Clint- Sloth

The demon, known as Scott arrived fairly early the next morning, with a backpack, shades and a cup of coffee in his hands. Loki, who had decided to take his female form again today, looked him up and down before letting him in. The others were still getting ready, apparently not really giving a shit if they were late or not. “Morning. You must be...Natasha, right? Hi. I’m Scott” he said while holding out his hand.

“Actually, my name is Loki, the Horseman of Death. Natasha is my wife.” Loki mumbled, completely ignoring his hand. She led him to the living room. “Have a seat and make yourself comfortable while I go see what’s taking the others so long.” She turned on her heels and made her way to the master bedroom, leaving Scott on the couch alone. He sat there awkwardly, sipping his coffee and looking around in complete and utter silence.

 

If only he knew how precious such silence would be.

 

“I guess you all said to hell with being on time?” Loki chided while Tony rolled his eyes and continued putting on his tie. “Don’t lump me in with them i’m ready. Buck’s still messing around with his hair and Tony doesn’t even have his shoes on” The former, upon hearing his name, poked his head out of the bathroom, “I’m not giving Fury any reason to roast my ass like last time. Perfection takes time babe.” “He’s going to roast all our asses if we’re late,” Loki scoffed softly and turned back to Natasha “The sitter is here, I have him sitting in the living room.”

“I’ll go wake Brucie and Clint up, you go wake Shuri and Hela.” Natasha instructed while heading down the hall, Loki followed close behind. “Bucky Bear, you wake the other three up. I’m not sure I have the patience to deal with all that whining this morning”

“You think I do??” Bucky asked while stepping out of the bathroom fully dressed, excluding a tie. “I don’t, but I cooked breakfast yesterday so, you owe me” Bucky sighed, and ran a hand through his freshly gelled hair. “Not like many of us even got to eat it. Don’t be angry if I toss them into the living room like damn hot potatoes.” Tony chuckled and gave the taller man a chaste kiss, “Meet you in the living room~”

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sorry for the wait Mr. Lang, my husbands have decided to be extra slow this morning. My name is Natasha, these are our two youngest sons Bruce and Clint.” Scott looked up from his phone at the woman, who had a child no older than five on her hip and an older child holding her hand. Both boys glared at Scott and nuzzled closer to Natasha. “Oh _you’re_ Natasha. I made the mistake of calling Loki you at the door. Hope I didn’t...offend or anything” She smiled softly at him, “It happens more than you’d think, she’ll get over it.”

“I assure you, I’m not offended Mr. Lang” Loki stated, leading two sleepy girls behind her as she walked in. “Mr. Lang, meet Shuri and Hela.” Shuri looked him up and down with a glare that matched Bruce and Clint’s while Hela seemed to perk up at the sight of him, a light blush forming on her cheeks.

Scott shifted uncomfortably in his spot on the couch, his tail wrapping itself around his waist. “Mind your manners girls, I've taught you better.” Loki chided while giving both girls a little nudge. Hela walked over and sat close to him on the couch, batting her eyelashes. “Like mother said, my name is Hela. But, _you_ can call me anything you want big guy~” Scott looked at her while scooting over “ _You_ can call me Scott, and _i’ll_ call you Hela.” “I love a man that stands their ground.” Natasha sighed and Loki rubbed her temples, already developing a headache.

 

“Why are you here?” Shuri asked while staying in her spot in front of Loki, arms folded and glare still on her face.

 

“To watch you guys while we meet Fury to see what the hell he wants” Bucky stated while entering, carrying Peter and Thor on his shoulders; he was dragging Wade on the ground by the foot. He dropped Wade’s foot and plopped both boys on top of him, causing all three to groan and grumble loudly. “We’ll try to be back in time for dinner.” Tony said while walking in and adjusting his collar.

“Wait- why can’t _I_ babysit!?” Wade screeched “Because we love you, and we want to come home at the end of the day still having seven children” Loki said softly and Natasha snickered. “I’d probably be better than this guy…” he pouted. “Jarvis?” Bruce asked softly while looking up at his father, “Sorry Brucie Bear, Jarvis is busy today. He can come babysit next time, okay?” Tony cooed.

 

Bruce grumbled and snuggled further into his mother’s chest, clearly unhappy.

 

Natasha tried handing Bruce over to Scott, but he clung tightly to her chest while whining. “We don’t have time for this Brucie, mommy won’t be gone long. I promise. Be a good boy for me, okay?” he huffed loudly and begrudgingly loosened his grip on her. She smiled and gently placed him next to Scott, giggling when he folded his arms in dissatisfaction. Tony ruffled his hair and headed towards the door, followed by the others

“See you guys soon~ Bye.” Natasha called“Don’t fuck up the house.” Bucky grumbled

“Love you tons.” Tony stated

“Please try to be nice to Mr. Lang.” Loki pleaded

 

And with that, they headed off. Leaving Scott alone with six glaring children.

 

 

“Are you guys hungry? I’ll make breakfast” Scott stated while getting up from the couch, ignoring the way Hela stared at his ass when he did. “Do you guys like  waffles? Please tell me you guys like waffles.”

“I for one, _love_ waffles, but you’re fukin _crazy_ if you think i’m eating anything that comes from you.” Wade stated while getting up and stretching

“We don’t know you like that. You could be one of those babysitters that snap and murder all the kids and steal their skin.” Peter mumbled while plopping himself on the other end of the couch, Shuri nodded in agreement. “What kind of waffles?” Thor asked quietly.

“Cinnamon.”

“...I’ll _consider_ having some.”

“Bruce wants “walfools!”

“What about you Clint?” 

The young boy shrugged in response, “I’ll eat whatever. I don’t care.”

“Alright cool. Looks like I'm makin waffles then.” Scott turned on his heels and headed towards where he assumed the kitchen to be. “I’ll help~” Hela called out while following close behind him, leaving the others alone in the living room.

“This is bullshit, _I_ should be the one babysitting! I know you all better than he does!!”

“Wade you just learnt that Bruce was four _yesterday_ ” Peter stated.

“Bet you _he_ doesn’t know how old Brucie is though. Doesn’t matter. I don’t trust this Scott guy, he gives me a bad feeling. We need to make him leave”

“I like Jarvis better.” Shuri whined

“We’ve known him for _maybe_ seven minuets. Give him a chance.” Clint yawned

“Yes, let’s at least allow him to finish the breakfast before we try kicking him out.” Thor said while flopping onto the couch next to Bruce, who moved to lay his head in his older brother’s lap. “Bruce wants walfools.” “We know little fella.”

“You three can sit here and wait to be poisoned if you want, but Petey and I are gonna get him outta here.” Wade stated while grabbing the younger boys hand and walking down the hall

“Wait I wanna help too!!” Shuri called out while following them.

“More waffles for us!”

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Scott was beginning to make waffle mix while Hela sat on the counter close by. “So, Scott...are you single?” He looked up from his mix and blinked “How old are you?”

“Irrelevant~ So, are you?”

“Irrelevant.”

Hela smirked and folded her arms “Judging by your answer I'll assume that you are. What kinda people you into?”

Scott looked over at her and pursed his lips, “People my age.”

“How old are you?”

“Too old”

She giggled and hopped down from the counter, walking over and leaning on his arm “So if I were older, _much_ older, would you ask me out?”

“I’m uh, not really sure this question’s appropriate Hela.” Scott stated while moving towards the fridge.

“It’s completely hypothetical~” she replied while following him

“You know, I think now would be an _awesome_ time to check up on the others don’t you think? I think I'm gonna go do that, instead of answering that question.” Scott said while quickly scurrying out of the kitchen, towards the living room.

 

Hela huffed and folded her arms once more, determined to get an answer out of Scott before the day is over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I already started the next but, let me know if there's anything specific you guys wanna see from this chaotic little family. :)


	3. Infestation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody got lice.
> 
> There's no escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anybody forgot:
> 
> Horsemen  
> Tony- Pestilence  
> Bucky- War  
> Loki- Death  
> Natasha- Famine
> 
> Seven Deadly Sins  
> Peter- Envy  
> Wade- Pride  
> Thor- Gluttony  
> Bruce- Wrath  
> Hela- Lust  
> Shuri- Greed  
> Clint- Sloth

Loki winced while watching his youngest son violently scratch at his head for the hundredth time today. He was worried that the poor boy would end up scratching his scalp off. Natasha sighed while pouring more shampoo into her hands to lather on. "I told you all letting them hang around human children was going to end badly." 

 "Yea, well they have to spend  _sometime_ around other kids their age. How were we supposed to know that they had lice? Besides, right now only Bruce and Shuri have them. If we're careful we can have this handled by the end of the week."

Loki rolled his eyes "You and I both know that this is far from being handled. Once one of them catches something, the others are bound to catch it as well" Natasha huffed "Which is  _why_ they're both quarantined for the week." 

 "My statement stays the same. This will not end well and it definitely won't end by the end of this week." 

"Oh shut up and get me another bottle of shampoo." 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Lice eggs hatch one to two weeks after being laid on the scalp. The shells of the eggs are easiest to see at this state. They can grow to full size within two wee-" 

"Doll, I love you, I  _really_ do. But if I hear you say one more fact about lice I'm strangling you." 

Tony huffed and folded his arms "I can't help it! How could we not have seen this coming?!"

Bucky shrugged while shoving the remainder of the sheets into a garbage bag. "I dunno, don't most kids their age get these little shits? It's not that big of a deal. Relax" 

"Funny how the horseman of war is telling me to relax." 

"Funny how the horseman of  _pestilence_ couldn't see this coming." 

Tony glared at him and sighed "My experiences with lice haven't ever been pretty growing up, and I was an only child. Imagine how bad it can be when spread through  _seven_ kids." 

"If push comes to shove we can just fukin shave everyone's heads." 

"Do that and the only thing you'll be fucking after that are the cushions of the couch Bucky Bear." 

~~~~~~~~~~

Hela folded her arms and sighed while watching Wade and Thor check their heads in the bathroom mirror. 

"I think I see something!!" Wade shrieked 

"That's  _literally_ just dandruff Wade. You've always had it." Peter stated from his spot on the bathroom counter 

"Oh." 

"Still pretty disgusting" Hela shrugged

"Could you guys maybe hurry this along? I gotta pee and I can't do it while you guys are still here." Clint whined while standing uncomfortably in the doorway.

"Go use the one in mum and dad's room. They'll probably be here for a while" Hela said while gently pushing him the other way. 

"Okay." The younger boy said while making his way down the hall, absentmindedly scratching his head as he did. 

"I believe we're good." Thor stated while stepping away from the mirror "Let me check yours Hela." 

"Touch my hair and lice will be the least of your worries."

"Hey, if you're gonna be staying in our room we gotta make sure you're  _clean_ got it?" Wade warned while pulling Peter closer so he could check him.

"I'll be lucky if lice is the only thing I catch from your nasty ass room. I'm only staying here because mom 'quarantined' mine."

Wade narrowed his eyes "I said what I said. Either you let big boy over there check you or you can sleep in the hallway." 

The younger girl rolled her eyes "Three minuets." 

~~~~~~~

After washing Bruce and Shuri's hair for the forth time that day, it was time for some lunch. Loki made everyone grilled cheese sandwiches, making sure to take Thor's hellish appetite into account. Both Bruce and Shuri sat at the table with sour looks on their faces and neon colored shower caps on their heads.

Wade couldn't help but laugh at how stupid they both looked. He laughed so hard that he choked on his sandwich, twice.

"I hope you're still laughing when I shave your head in the middle of the night." Shuri grumbled

"No laugh at Bruce!!!" The younger boy yelled while tearing up "Stahp it!!!" 

Tony sat him on his lap and cooed in his ear, stopping the tantrum before it could start. "No tears Brucie Bear, if you're a good boy papa will watch a movie with you after he washes your hair again" 

Bruce sniffles and looked up at him "Mobie? Promise?" 

"I promise. Just you and I okay?" 

Peter watched the two interact and narrowed his eyes. He doesn't remember the last time he got to spend one on one time with his dad. While he was glad he didn't have lice, he couldn't help but wish he did, only because it would lead to more attention from Tony. He took a big bite of his sand which and started formulating a plan.

Clint had only eaten half of his sandwich, scratching his head while doing so. This caught the attention of both Loki and Bucky.

"Ey sleepyhead. Come over here for a sec." Bucky beckoned

The younger boy looked over at him and shrugged while making his way over. Bucky wasted no time in checking his head and frowned. "Son of a bitch." He grumbled

"It seems my suspicions were unfortunately, correct. Clint's got it too." 

Hela, Wade and Thor widened their eyes. 

"The security and safety of our room has been compromised!! Compromised damn it!!" Wade yelled while getting up and running to the spare bathroom to check for lice, with Thor close behind him. 

Hela sighed in annoyance and got up, "I'll go make sure they don't scalp each other... again" 

"I'll go buy more shampoo" Bucky mumbled while getting up and grabbing his keys. "I'll come with you." Loki stated while following. Tony and Natasha stayed behind. Tony went to put Bruce down for a nap before he had to wash his hair again while Natasha took Clint to the bathroom, to shampoo his hair as well.

Peter and Shuri were the only two left at the table. Shuri shrugged at all the drama and continued eating her sandwich while Peter stared at her intensely. 

"Give me your lice." 

Shuri blinked at him "What??" 

" _Give_ me, your  _lice_." 

"Wh...why would you want lice?!?" 

"Not important. Just- let me have them!!" 

" _No_ they're mine!!" 

"You don't even  _want_ them!!"

"Well I don't want  _you_ to have them!!"

"You're being _selfish_!"

Shuri huffed and picked up the remainder of her sandwich. "I'm eating the rest of my lunch  _in my room_ " she stormed off down the hall after that.

Peter groaned in annoyance and folded his arms. He was gonna get lice if it killed him.

But little did he know, that his wishes were already granted.

 

~~~~~~~~

Natasha and Tony decided that it would be best to check everyone, just to be sure.

It turns out that Wade and Thor had nits in their hair, which meant that the lice hadn't hatched yet. Wade reacted as if he was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and Thor may have shed a few tears. Peter had the least amount of nits in his hair, much to his dismay.

The most _surprising_ however, was Hela. Not only did she have nits; but she also had  _fully grown_ lice as well. Wade had accused her of purposefully infecting their room and demand that he shave her head as pay back.

 Tony called Bucky, asking him to bring even more shampoo and shower caps.

By the end of the day, all seven kids had their hair washed several times and neon shower caps placed on their heads as well. All seven of them piled onto the couch, with scowls on their faces. Nobody was very happy.

"Who's laughing now?" Shuri snickered bitterly

~~~~~~

Tony sighed while closing the bedroom door behind him and flopping onto the bed. "If I have to look at one more lice infested scalp I'm gonna hang myself." 

"Get your rope ready then babe because I have some bad news." 

"No." 

"Unfortunately" Loki sighed 

" _You guys are fucking with me."_

"Babe it's gonna be fine, they're just nits-" 

Tony whined loudly when he saw Natasha come out of the bathroom wearing a neon shower cap of her own.

"I must say I'm genuinely surprised. This all went downhill  _much_ faster than I thought it would. It only took, what? A few hours for this all to get out of hand?" Loki sighed while stripping and preparing for his own shower.

Natasha grumbled and glared at him.

"Great. So we're basically all on house arrest until this shit clears up." Tony stated

"Pretty much." Bucky shrugged

Tony really wished he had some rope right now.

~~~~~~

 The next few days could only be described as literal hell. They must have gone through at least 250 bottles of medicated shampoo. Having to wash seven kid's hair several times a day proved to be one of the most stressful things Tony's ever had to experience.

But as he sat on the couch, watching Paw Patrol while his lovers and kids huddled against him, all wearing ridiculously bright neon shower caps, he couldn't help but smile.

 He wouldn't trade this family for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay! Works been keeping me real busy lately. I'll try to update quicker next time. Comments motivate me! :)


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